


I'm o-fucking-kay

by orphan_account



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - I'm Not Okay Video, Bullying, Catholic School, Coming Out, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Homophobia, I'm Not Okay 'verse, M/M, Masturbation, Self Harm, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, gay slurs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-27 16:33:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2699741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>frerard AU set in the i'm not okay (i promise) verse</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Kid

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic i'm posting don't kill me. comments/kudos make me update faster. enjoy ~Allie

The boy was pretty, that was the only way you could describe him other than beautiful or gorgeous or… ok you get the point. He was feminine; the only way that you could tell the boy was a he was the uniform. He was a little short, okay maybe a lot short, and he had a lip ring that drew your attention to his lips, that looked like they were trying to not twitch up into a smile. His hair was black and covering his eyes in a fringe haircut and he was looking right at-  
“Hey Gee!” Gerard snapped out of examining the boy as he turned to where his name was called and saw his best friend jogging towards the steps he was sitting on, watching all of the students go by.   
“Hey Ray” he said, mouth stretching up into a grin. Ray was a little weird, but so was Gerard, then again Gerard didn’t have a full on afro. “Mikey’s sick today. I asked mom if I could stay home and look after him, but he said he was ok.”  
“That boy” Ray said, Laughing “never wants anyone to take care of him.” The smile faded for a second as he looked at Gerard “I think he’ll be okay, you know, when we graduate. Are you sure you don’t want to go to art school right away? Taking two years off… that just seems, I don’t know, a bit excessive. And it’s like, your fucking dream, so I’m just saying”   
“Ray,” he said mouth twitching up, “you’re not even going to college. But I’m sure. Look, it’s senior year for us, let’s just endure this and then we’re fucking free. No more fucking catholic school for us. Look, if you stop bugging me about it, I’ll try that band thing you and Mikey have been wanting me to do.” Gerard said, trying to change the subject.   
“Really?” Ray said full of excitement. “You know I’m telling Mikey about this when we get to your house. When do you think we can do it? Mikey’s gonna be so happy-“   
“Who’s the new kid?” Gerard asked nodding to the boy that was looking at him again, or still looking at him. “He seems to stare a whole fucking lot”   
“Frank something. Mikey was saying something about him. He’s in his grade and shit.” Ray said not noticing the stare off happening right in front of him. The boy’s- Frank’s lips pulled up into a smirk and he winked. He fucking winked. He fucking winked at Gerard. Gerard looked down, suddenly aware of how he looked. His hair was black, knotted and greasy, down to his shoulders. His uniform was a mess, tie undone, jacket unbuttoned, pants rumpled, and his shirt not even done up all the way. He looked back up to search for the kid, but he had disappeared into the building.   
“Tardy bell rings in ten minutes” Gerard says, standing up and fixing his uniform. The nuns would throw a bitch fit if they saw him like this.   
The first half of the school day past without incident, but it was agonizingly slow. He decided that if he wanted to survive the rest of this fucking Tuesday, he would have to go out and have a smoke. He slipped away from his lunch and made for the little space that couldn’t be seen by the nuns. He pulled out the box and realized he would have to get more soon.   
“Fuck,” he breathed as he lit the cigarette and shoved the box and lighter back into his pocket “shouldn’t let the fucking princess bum off of me so fucking much.” He took a drag and felt the nicotine start to take effect on him as he breathed out.   
“You know, talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.” he heard an unfamiliar voice say and jumped while violently turning around.   
“Fucking fuck” Gerard said breathlessly, “what the shit?” he looked over to see Frank smiling at him looking amused.   
“Can I get a light? Left my lighter at home.” Frank said, nodding towards the lighter Gerard was toying with.   
“How old are you?” Gerard said, dumbfounded as he pulled out his lighter.   
“Sixteen, you?” Frank said, lighting his cigarette and handing the lighter back.  
“Eighteen” Gerard said, looking down and making his hair fall in his face.   
“huh” Frank almost sounded like he was considering something “I’m Frank Iero, by the way.”  
“I know” Gerard said, much to his horror as Frank raised an eyebrow “shit, I don’t mean- it’s just Mikey said something about you being in his grade and then I asked my friend what your name was because you were looking at me this morning, and I’m not some creep wh-”  
“Hey, hey ‘s alright. I won’t tell anyone” Frank winked and tapped the side of his nose “this Mikey though, would his last name be Way?”  
“Wait, you know Mikey? How, like I only heard he knew you from our friend, and like, I get knowing the new kid’s name but why didn’t he fucking tell me about knowing the new kid”  
“Whoa, sorry for knowing him, he was assigned to show me around, it wasn’t anything. Are you like some overprotective boyfriend or something? Because that’s abuse and that’s not cool”   
Gerard heard an overly familiar laugh from the corner as he pulled a disgusted face “gross, Ray, that’s not even funny”  
“Are you kidding me? New kid here just accused you of incest, oh my god that’s hilarious.” Ray rounded the corner and came into sight   
“Shut the f-”  
“Shit, I’m sorry, so you’re ‘Gee’ Mikey mentioned I have a couple classes with you.”   
“It’s Gerard. Only my brother calls me Gee,” he said rolling his eyes “how do we have classes together, I thought you were a sophomore?”  
“I think it’s just gym and chem, but I took some courses over the summer and as an elective at my last public school, but my mom’s pretty hardcore about me getting a ‘good education’ and I wanted a car so I agreed to go here for the full 4 years”  
“Man I wish I had been persuaded with a car. Mine was just a ‘you’re going’ because my grandma paid”  
“Hi I’m chopped liver,” Ray said “but I am the chopped liver that your brother has been texting because he wanted soup and you are the one who has to come with me to get it.”  
“But Mikey always pays Blink and mopes around when he’s sick. Ugh, I better be getting paid for this”  
“Only with my love” Ray teases   
“Whatever, princess fro fro” Gerard shoots back “let’s blow this popsicle stand, later Frank” he stomps out his cigarette and follows Ray.  
“Bye, Gerard” Frank says, sounding somewhat disappointed.  
Ray and Gerard leave through the back exit, so they don’t get stopped by the nuns. They walk in comfortable silence most of the way back, a thing Gerard is grateful for, that is until Ray opens his mouth.  
“I think new kid had stars in his eyes over you. He sounded disappointed when you left”   
“Actually, I think he just doesn’t have any friends. God knows we’re the only people there that will even look at him” Gerard said, kind of pitying him.  
“whatever, you just think he’s cute” Ray shot   
“I think he’s aesthetically pleasing” Gerard retorted   
“You just called him pretty”   
“well, yeah, he’s kind of pretty, if you want to look at it that way” Gerard rolled his eyes   
“Dude, you totally are gonna get married and have a ton of babies, I call godfather, Mikey can suck my dick”  
“I think you have a misunderstanding of how gay sex works, and can’t I say that a guy is aesthetically pleasing without being gay and wanting to suck his dick? You know i'm straight right?”   
“No, you? straight?” Ray laughed “let’s get this soup to Mikey and tell him about your love encounter today” Gerard just sighed.


	2. Zero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, i named this after a smashing pumpkins song, I love them too much. Also, i cut my finger trying to make bagels at 4AM bc of this fic, so please kudos it. (yes i still ate the bagel, it was 4 am and i gave 0 fucks)-XoAllie

“Mikey! We’re home!” Gerard yelled through the front door. Mikey appeared in front of him with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, looking like death warmed over.

“Wow, Mikey” Ray said, “You look like shit”

“Thanks, I was gonna say the same to you” Gerard tossed the bag to Mikey and walked to the kitchen he needed caffeine and maybe some booze and he needed it now.

“What’s his problem?” Gerard overheard Mikey mumble.

“He’s in denial about his gay crush.” Ray stage-whispered back.

“Jesus Christ, Ray. I do not have a crush on him. He asked to borrow my lighter and he said he knew Mikey, I am straight, just because I talk to someone… you know what fuck off. I have Halo and jack, though, and I only share with people who don’t piss me off.” Gerard knew the only way to get them to fuck off was to offer them booze and snacks, which luckily, he had. He stalked off to the basement and fixed himself jack and coke.

“His name’s Frank” Gerard heard muted voices from upstairs

“Wait, Iero? New kid?”

“Yeah, you should have seen Frank, he had literal hearts in his eyes, and Gerard was just, like babbling about him not being a creeper, but then Frank got all defensive when he thought he was dating you”

“WHAT!” he heard Mikey scream. He just laughed and turned the volume on the TV up louder.

 

Gerard rolled over and opened his eyes, then immediately regretted the decision, his head feeling like it was exploding.

“Fuckin shit aw what the fucking hell” he groaned squeezing his eyes shut and folding in on himself. When the aching in his head settled into a dull throb, he opened his eyes and looked at the clock. He was pretty sure it said 6:28, but his hangover was pretty bad, so he turned over and waited for 7:00 to come. He didn’t get back to sleep, but he let his mind wander to different places, if he would get an art scholarship, if he had to take out loans, and if he would have to work his entire life plus probably sell his soul and/ or body just to pay them back. He didn’t want to leave Mikey, not just yet, but there were no good art colleges and jobs in Jersey. He was pretty sure that the artist route was the way he wanted to go, but he had no idea how to get there.

The alarm blared, startling Gerard out of his thoughts. He thought about pretending to be sick so he could stay home, but then he thought of all the makeup work that he would have to do, and decided against it. He found a semi-clean uniform on his floor, and threw it on, spraying himself with body spray so he didn’t smell like dirty socks, sweat, and cum. He decided to actually brush his hair today, instead of just patting it down. He just really didn’t feel like having an argument with an overly-strict nun about dress code.

His day passed as it usually did, talking with Ray or sitting in a corner sulking, until chemistry. He walked in and saw that the usually empty seat next to his had a person in it, a specific person.

“Hey, Gerard” Frank said, turning on his stool to face him, “This was the only seat open, do you mind if I sat here?” _well,_ Gerard thought _I don’t have a fucking choice but to not mind, so why do you even fucking ask me_ but he only said

“Yeah, I mean I don’t mind, yeah you can sit here” Frank’s face lit up into a smile that stretched across his entire face. The word cute flashed in Gerard’s mind.

“Thanks, man.” He said and swiveled back around. Gerard threw his bag down, sat in his stool and pulled his sketchpad out. He flipped to the nearest empty page and began drawing. At first it was nothing, shapes and forms that he saw in his head, but then it started turning into a real piece. It was abstract, with little pieces of reality being absorbed into the piece. He poured the feelings onto the page, almost as if he was crying the graphite. When he was almost done, there was a folded piece of paper set onto the corner of his book. Curious, Gerard opened it.

 _I just want you to know your drawing skills are rad and your sketch is amazing-frnk_ Gerard sat there for a minute, shocked. Yeah, he had gotten notes before, but they were always from Ray, never anyone else.

 _Thanks_ Gerard finally gathered his head up enough to formulate a coherent thought _it’s still really rough though-g_

Gerard handed the note back and got back to cleaning up his lines. It was only a couple moments later when the note was placed next to him, and the bell was ringing, signaling the end of class. Gerard looked up to see Frank already gone. He opened up the note and saw a string of numbers with _txt me :)-frnk_ underneath.

It was halfway through his next period when Gerard got the courage to text Frank. It’s not like Gerard's scared of him, it’s just that when this usually happens, it’s some kind of prank.  The bullying Gerard has gotten over the course of his high school career has slowed down a lot since freshman year, but it still happens. So when Gerard texts the number all it says is _hey-g_

_I really liked the smashing pumpkins lyrics in your drawing. Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness is the best album ever-xofrnk_

_You like smashing pumpkins? Holy shit yes. What other bands do you like?-g_

_A little of this a little of that. Green Day, Blink 182, Misfits, Iron Maiden, Metallica etc. etc.-xofrnk_

_Dude thats fuckin awesome!!11!!!! Now how do you feel about comic books and video games?-g_

_Theyre hella cool. If u tell me u like horror movie, I’m gonna faint-xofrnk_

_Well get ready to faint Cinderella bc I love horror-g_

_Oh we are_ definitely _soul mates-xofrnk_

_Lol we r gonna have to hang out-g_

_Yea, we r-xofrnk_


	3. Gay Is Not A Synonym For Shitty

Gerard walked out of his class, actually somewhat happy. He was walking in between buildings to go to gym. He saw a fist coming towards his face, and next thing he knew he was on the ground. At first it was just disorienting, but then a familiar sharp ache started. Gerard covered his nose as he felt the blood start to drip from god knows where on his face.

“Hey, faggot. I heard you got a new boyfriend, huh? What’s his name?” Gerard looked up and saw Joshua, captain of the lacrosse team and his tormenter since freshman year “aw, is the little cocksucker shy? Never see that coming.” Josh said as he kicked him in the ribs. “I asked you… what is your new boyfriend’s name” he spit with venom

“Oh, didn’t he tell you?” Gerard cocked his head up with feigned wide-eyed innocence “I fucked your brother” Gerard knew that he shouldn’t come back like that, but his personality was stronger than his survival skills, and hey the look on Joshua’s face was almost worth it.

“You _bitch”_ Joshua spat, and kicked Gerard in the ribs.

“To be honest, I thought he would be a better lay,” Gerard wheezed “but I guess only you got the bottom gene”

“Fucking _faggot”_ a rain of blows landed on Gerard. Luckily, the bell rung a few moments after the beating had started, and Josh ran to get to his class. Gerard waited a few minutes until he felt like he could walk, and then slowly got up. It hurt like a bitch, but he managed to slip into the locker room unnoticed. He sat down on the nearest bench laid down, and closed his eyes. He knew it would be worse for him later, but he didn’t care.

“Oh my god,” he heard someone say “Gerard? Are you alive? I’m gonna go get the coach”

“Don’t” Gerard groaned opening his eyes “Frank? You have this gym class?” Frank furrowed his eyebrows

“Yeah I told you, are you okay; do you need to go to the nurse?”

“Nah” Gerard struggled to get up “I’ve had a lot worse” Frank finally just took his arm and pulled him up.

“You should tell someone, this is horrible.” Frank started pulling Gerard towards the bathroom.

“I did in like, freshman year, but captain of the lacrosse team vs. emo kid, I’m nothing. Plus, I probably deserved it this time” Frank made Gerard lean against the counter and shot him a confused glance “he called me a fag and asked me who the new boyfriend was and I don’t know how he gets the idea that I’m gay, so I told him I fucked his brother and that his brother should take lessons from him because he was a horrible lay” Frank started wiping the blood off of Gerard’s face with a wet paper towel

“What’s so wrong with gay people?” Frank said in a tone that could almost sound curious, but Gerard could hear the aggression behind the words. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what that meant.

“There’s nothing wrong with it, but you know, I’m kind of tired of being called a fag because I’m _not_ gay.”

“Take your shirt off.” Frank pulled back from Gerard’s face

“What” Gerard said in shock.

“Shirt. Off. I need to see how bad it is.” Instead of arguing or responding or doing anything that would make his head hurt more, he took his shirt off. Once he got it off, he dropped it on the floor. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the wall behind him. He heard frank suck in a breath, but he didn’t open hid eyes. He could feel the heat radiating off of Frank as he inspected the already-forming bruises. He felt a sharp jab in his ribs.

“Ow” he yelped and jumped away from Frank. “The shit was that for?”

“Seeing how bad they were. You might wanna put ice on the bruises but I don’t think anything’s broken” Frank said “I think I missed some blood though” he mumbled while grabbing the paper towel and carefully wiping Gerard’s face “there” Frank whispered as he looked at Gerard. Frank dropped his hand, but he was _still_ looking at Gerard. He knew it must be pretty awkward, but he wanted to know what Frank was thinking. He wasn’t good at reading people, but he knew he saw contemplation. Or maybe that was constipation, Gerard _really_ wasn’t good at reading people. His skin was pale, but darker than Gerard’s. His hair was a dark almost-black and was spiked up in the back. Frank’s lips were stark against his skin, and the ring added another layer to the sharp contrasts that seemed to be happening all over him. His ears were stretched to at least a zero gauge. He had big eyes with long eyelashes. The color was one he couldn’t describe. It was a greenish-hazel that should’ve looked muddy, but it was an amazing color. Gerard wished he could harness that color and paint with it.

“Well,” Frank said, stepping back and breaking the trance “I gotta get to class, I’ll say my locker got stuck then I got lost. You should go home, Gee.” He said earnestly and then turned on his heel and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MAY post an interesting chapter tomorrow. Beware of the rating change. I am going to give you smut in the (near) future.


	4. A Little Piece of Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pete's an asshole with a gaydar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm updating early because i got it done yay

Gerard went home after that, not wanting to further his headache by going to fucking bible studies. He laid on the couch in the basement for a while, watching Game of Thrones reruns. After a while he heard a door open and shut and two voices.

“Mikey, is mom or dad home?” Gerard yelled up to his brother.

“Gee, when are they ever home before six?” Mikey called back.

“Good then you or Ray can go get the vodka out of my closet and I can beat your pansy asses in halo.”

“Gee, one, we drank a half a bottle of jack yesterday” Mikey appeared “and two, Ray’s not here, it’s Frank.” Frank appeared, descending the stairs behind where Mikey had stopped.

“Well then frank can have Ray’s share. Come on Mikes, I got the shit beat out of me, pleeease” he drew “Frank can tell you, there was blood and everything. Huh Frank?”

“Stop trying to bring him into it.” Mikey said “what’d you do this time?”

“Well, someone saw Frank sitting next to me in chem and John punched me and was like ‘who’s the new boyfriend, fag’ and I told him I fucked his brother so he wouldn’t kill Frank”

“So it _was_ my fault, fuckin great” frank mumbled

“Stop being so gay, Frank. It was my choice, and thinking that it was your fault is retarded” Gerard said as Mikey looked at him like he was an idiot.

“Have you…?” Mikey said to Frank as Frank shook his head “Want me to?”

“Don’t care I’ll be raiding your fridge.” Frank shrugged and went back up the stairs.

“Frank’s gay, also don’t use the word Retarded as an insult. That’s not cool.”

“Well he could’ve just told me” Gerard called the last part upstairs to frank

“Sorry” Frank came back with a bag of chips and a couple cans of coke, already making himself at home.

A few hours later, they were bored with video games, and making their way past tipsy with a horror movie on in the background.

“I’m serious” frank laughed “anyone with half a brain would see that you’d bottom.”

“I don’t think so” Gerard made a face

“Well, have you ever tried?” Frank asked

“No, so we have no way of settling this,” Gerard stuck his tong out

“Actually I think-” Mikey tried to pitch in.

“This is not about you, Mikey” Gerard cut him off.

“I might have a way to settle this.” Frank said pulling out his phone “My friend Pete I met at the scene in Chicago, he has the literal ultimate gaydar. He knew his boyfriend, Patrick was gay before he came out, and knew I was gay before I’d said two words to him. Smile.” Gerard smiled quickly and was pretty sure he looked like a serial killer.

“I was trying to say that I think you’re just projecting gay fantasies onto my brother. S-”Mikey pointed at frank

“What?” Gerard was trying to figure out what the hell his brother was saying.

“Stop. He’s saying stop.” Frank said

“Ho-oh Oh _OH”_ Gerard put two and two together “He’s saying you ok. Wait, do you top?”

“Yes, Gerard he tops. Why else would I say that?” Mikey said exasperated. Frank’s phone rang, giving them a start.

“Hey, Pete one sec” Frank put the phone on speaker and set it down. “Ok, your verdict?”

“Well, gay obviously, and he’s totally a bottom. Why would you even ask me those questions? Your gaydar is desensitized. You need to come back so we can fix it. You know, after you get a piece of his ass, because tall, dark and emo, screams your type. You’re dating right? If not, hop on that, or let him hop on you...”

“My gaydar is fine, you ass. He’s a friend and he insists he’s straight.” Frank retorts.

“Has he _tried_ it? I’m sure he’s gay, or at least bi.”

“God damn it Pete. He hasn’t, all we wanted was your opinion on his gayness. How’s Trick? You ever convince him to join that band with you and Joe?”

“Trick is great, just great... Yeah, he’s in. It took a blowjob and a couple hours, but yeah. We have a drummer now, too.”

“ _Dude”_ Frank said “Don’t need to know about your sex life. Where is he?” just then, Gerard heard an amazing voice in the background _it’s really good to hear your voice saying my name and it sounds so sweet_

“Just got out of the shower. Patty cakes, come say hi to Frankie” Frank picked up the phone and turned off speaker.

“You should get someone like him for your fuckin band” Gerard mumbled. “I’m going to go shower.” he said louder as he trudged upstairs.

He went into the bathroom and peeled off his clothes while the water warmed up. He stepped under the hot spray, and felt a little more sober.

The words ‘ _has he_ tried _it’_ run through it. He thinks about what it would be like with a guy touching him; later he’ll lie to himself, say he was drunk. He’s not a virgin, but most of what he’s done was in club bathrooms at shows. He thought of large hands on his hips, thin lips pressed against his, and tongs fighting for dominance. Then he thought of the guy pulling him in close, their erections rubbing together. Gerard gasped as his dick got interested. He squeezed the base and slowly started jacking, letting his thumb slide over his slit, the precome and water providing slide. He thought of the guy blowing him, the stubble on his face brushing the inside of his thighs.

Gerard suddenly had a thought. He knows how to do it, and this is the only thing he can do to _know._ He reached between his cheeks, rubbing at his entrance tentatively. It started to feel kind of good, but a lot like not enough. He slid the finger in, breath hitching slightly at the stretch. He moved his finger around, trying to find that spot everyone talked about. He quickly added another when he got used to the first one. The stretch with this one was a little worse, but it felt _good._ He scissored his fingers, loving the burn it provided. He took his hand off of his dick and braced himself on the wall. He curled his fingers a little and- _oh._ He had to stifle a moan as he hit his prostate. He got his hand back on his dick and pumped furiously while fucking himself back onto his fingers. He felt the heat curling in his stomach as he worked himself faster. He came with a moan, muted into his shoulder as his vision blurred, the orgasm overwhelming his senses. He milked himself through it, and when he was done, he pulled his fingers out of his ass.

_Well_ Gerard thought _that fucking settles that._


	5. Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i will keep naming chapters after song titles and none of you will stop me

__

 About a day and a half later, Gerard was still freaking out about the whole thing. Was he really gay? Did he like girls or boys, possibly both? Did he like Frank as more than a friend? He couldn’t think about all of this at the same time. He stayed home from school the day after, scared that people could _sense_ it on him. He went half of the day, and at lunch he finally started to breath

“Dude” Ray ran up to him “Josh got suspended, he had a shit ton of pills in his locker. Thing is, he swears up and down they weren’t his.”

“So?” Gerard asked

“So… I think that frank kid had something to do with it. He was asking about him and shit.”

“Ray, I don’t think he’d do that but I’ll ask him about it in chem.”

“Whatever, I’m gonna go get my food.” Ray turned around and ran off, leaving Gerard alone on the steps by the fountain. He heard familiar laughing and turned towards the sound. The lacrosse team was sitting at their usual table. They threw something and Gerard almost flinched, even though it was nowhere near him. It hit someone to the left of him. Someone with black spikey hair that looked really familiar. Frank picked up the thing that they had thrown, which looked to be the uneaten remains of a sandwich, and looked back at Gerard while exasperatedly throwing it down. Gerard just pursed his lips and shook his head. He knows what these guys are capable of, and he doesn’t want _anyone_ to go through that.

Gerard sat down next to Frank in chemistry, and immediately started talking “Hey, Ray thinks that you were the one to put the pills in Josh’s locker.”

“Well, then ray is smart” Frank said, not turning to face him.

“What? Why would you do that? It’s practically suicide.”

“Well he was a douche bag!” Frank said looking up “and I don’t like people hurting my friends.” The bell rang and frank looked back at his paper, scribbling on it. _Friend_ Gerard only ever had Mikey and Ray. There was a part of Gerard that wanted to explain that they would literally beat him to the ground, but some other part of him just wanted to hug him and tell him that he _would_ be okay, but he just stayed quiet, not trusting himself to speak, knowing he’d fuck it up. When the bell rang, Frank was gone before Gerard had the chance to look up. _Fuck._

Gerard spent his entire next period thinking about what he would say. He didn’t know why, but he just didn’t want to fuck it up with Frank. When the bell rang, Gerard was out of his seat.

“Gerard, can I talk to you?” Sister Mary asked him _fuckin fuck this fucking old ass nun and her worst fucking timing ever._ Gerard nodded through her speech about paying attention in class and how his grade will be affected. She let him go after the tardy bell rang, and he sprinted to the locker room. He turned into the door and saw Frank, but there was someone with him. Someone being Katie Banks.

“You have something in your eye” Frank said sensually, the pair leaning in.

Gerard felt as if he was going to be sick, so he did the only thing he _could_ do; he ran. He only ran until he got outside of the school gates, then he walked home, mind numb and chest aching. When he got to his room, he broke down. He didn’t know why he was crying, or why it felt like someone stabbed him, he only knew it hurt. He wanted it to stop; he needed it to stop. There was so much pain. _Pain._ _The only thing that will distract you from pain_ Gerard’s mind recited like a mantra _is pain._ He had decided already.Still crying he dug to the bottom of his desk drawer and found the blade he took from a pencil sharpener. _There goes everything_ he thought as the blade dug into his wrist.


	6. Reckless Abandon

Gerard regretted it almost immediately after he did it, but the euphoria and relief it brought, even for that short time was worth it. Now he was left wondering why. Why he cut, why he hurt so much, and why he couldn’t stop thinking about Frank. He didn’t want to think, so he put his headphones in and turned them up as loud as he could. He listened to the angriest, loudest songs that he had. He was listening to Jellybelly when someone yanked an earphone out of his ear.

“Gee,” Mikey said, sounding annoyed “The band’s here and you promised us you’d try, so don’t even try to get out of this.”

“Mikeeyyyy” Gerard drew “just not today. Please”

“Nope” Mikey started walking out of his room “If you don’t I’ll tell mom and dad where you hide your booze” Gerard got up and stumbled after his brother into the basement

“You wouldn’t” Gerard glared at the back of his little brother’s head

“Try me. Oh yeah, Ray got another guitar player and his friend Bob to play drums”

“You guys know how I am in front of new people. This is going to be shit.”

“Well, there’s only one new person” Mikey said as they entered the basement. It took all that Gerard had to not walk out right then. Frank was standing there, guitar slung over his shoulder, laughing with Ray.

“Finally,” someone, who Gerard assumed to be Bob said. The attention turned to Gerard, and he just wanted to run away.

“Ok,” Ray said, “let’s go around the room and say our name, instrument and favorite band. I’ll go first. Hi, I’m Ray, I play guitar and I like Nirvana. Now, Bob.”

“Hey, I’m Bob.” The blonde guy said “I play drums and I like System of a Down” he had a lip ring like Frank and was heavy set.

“Sup, I’m Mikey and I like Green Day. Oh, shit I play bass” Mikey said like a complete nerd

“I’m Frank, and I kick ass at playing guitar. Blink is my choice of poison” Gerard was focused on what everyone else was saying, that he didn’t notice that everyone else was saying.

“Oh, um… hi I guess. I’m Gerard and I’m here by blackmail, but I guess... I mean I’ll _try_ to sing but… um, yeah… I don’t think I’m that good. Um… damn I um I like all of the bands you guys said but I also like Gorillaz, Smashing Pumpkins, Misfits and um… yeah just I like a lot of different shit… but, um... yeah” Gerard snapped his mouth shut because he knew he was babbling. He looked down and felt his cheeks heating.  He may be sassy when it comes to eat or be eaten, but he was going to have to _sing_ in front of these people.

“OK, do you guys want to start with a cover, just to see where everyone’s at?” Ray asked while everyone nodded in agreement.

“Me, Mikey, and Frank know Reckless Abandon by Blink 182. Do you two know it?” Gerard nodded his head, half hoping that they wouldn’t find a song that they all knew.

“Yeah, I know it.” Bob said, and Gerard cursed in his mind.

“Gee, you start it.” Mikey nudged him in the shoulder as he slung his bass over his shoulder.

 _On and on_ Gerard started, shakily _reckless abandon something’s wrong this is gonna shock them nothing to hold on to we use this song to lead you on_ there was silence for a moment, then everyone started playing, almost at the same time, but they got it together quickly. It was really a blur for Gerard. Everyone was really good at their instruments, and he was pretty sure was doing ok. After the first verse he got into it a little, kind of dancing with it. _We left a scar size extra-large._ Gerard finished, kind of out of breath.

“Holy shit,” frank breathed “with the way you were talking about it, I figured you would suck balls, man, but _damn._ You fucking rocked that shit” Frank put his hand up for a high five and Gerard half-smiled and slapped it.

“Told you” Mikey said smiling.

 _Ok_ Gerard thought _I can work with this,_ he looked over at frank _maybe_ he sighed inwardly.


	7. Stage 4 Fear of Trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have you heard the water is wide cover by Gerard? It is the best. okay, carry on.

Gerard found that he was avoiding Frank, only seeing him when absolutely necessary. He still sat next to him in chemistry, only because the teacher was a bitch with assigned seats, and avoided him like the plague in gym. Whenever Frank and Mikey hung out he suddenly “didn’t feel good” and went to his room. This was a good tactic for about two weeks, until everyone caught up on his bullshit.

One particularly stressful Thursday, when Mikey and Frank were hanging out, and Gerard was holed up in his room, when Gerard heard a knock on his door.  

“Come in, Mikes,” Gerard knew this was coming. He saw the ‘I know what you’re up to’ look that Mikey gave him

“Um” a voice said while the door opened slowly “it’s Frank.” Gerard held back a groan.

“Come in,” he said while Frank appeared in the doorway. Scooted over and patted the bed next to him, to try and make things less awkward. When Frank sat down, he noticed that it did the opposite.

“Um, why have you been avoiding me, Gee? I mean like what did I do wrong? I… I just want to fix it.”

“Frank,” Gerard said, looking down, trying not to look him in the eye “I, it’s nothing you did wrong. It’s what I did wrong and what I don’t want to do wrong again. I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to be your friend still, it’s just…” Gerard looked up, not knowing what he was going to see.

“What? What could be so bad that I would run for the hills?” Frank said, earnestly, concern filling his features.

Gerard didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t say that he had been to the looney bin multiple times, and that he cut because of him. So, Gerard just rolled up his sleeves. There were old, faded scars going up and down his arm, two fresh ones about halfway up his arm, and three on his wrist, that looked like they were bad when they were first there, but were now just pink and raised. Sadness entered Frank’s eyes, and he reached for Gerard’s arm.

“These,” Frank started voice thick “these are new. Why?” Gerard looked down again, not sure if he could tell Frank.

“I… I don’t know. I’ve just been going through a lot, I’ve been thinking, and… I don’t know. Everything I thought I knew was wrong. There’s been  just so much” his voice broke and his eyes started stinging, a lump forming in his throat “and I saw the person that I guess I like kissing someone else, and I didn’t know that I liked them until now and” hot tears slid down his cheeks as he hiccupped breaths in.

“Hey, a lot of people struggle with depression and self-harm. You should tell the person, though. Even if they don’t like you back, it’ll be better for you in the long run. It’ll be okay.”

“I… I can’t I’m just so scared, Frank. Like, I’m scared that you’ll tell Mikey and they’ll p-put me in inpatient again, because inpatient sucks, a-and I’m scared of what everything means and I-I’m scared that the guy I like, y-yes it’s a guy won’t like me back, and I’m j-j-just so scared because I don’t know what I a-am now. I-I’m just so sc-scared frank. I’m not o-fucking-kay.” Frank looked like he was going to start crying with Gerard. Gerard closed his eyes and felt hands pulling him until he was leaning on Frank’s shoulder, still crying. Frank held him, petting his hair and murmuring soothing words until Gerard stopped crying. Frank pulled Gerard off of his shoulder and made Gerard look at him with a soft hand on his cheek.

“Gerard, I fucking promise you that it will be okay. And if you don’t feel like you’re okay, I need you to tell me, because you deserve to be more than okay, you deserve to be fucking _happy.”_ Frank’s breath smelled like cigarettes and gum. Gerard tried to focus on only his words, on his voice as the tears started again. “Hey, hey, no; look at me, Gee. Open your eyes.” Gerard complied with Frank’s soft, coaxing voice “it doesn’t matter what you are, or what you identify as, it’s _you_ that counts, and you are amazing. You’d rather take all the beatings in the world than let one lousy sophomore take some of it. You’re perfect and this boy, hell, anyone would have to be crazy and blind to not see that.”

Gerard looked into Frank’s eyes, seeing only truth in them. His gaze flicked down to Frank’s lips, and he knew what he wanted to do. He let his lids flutter shut and chastely pressed his lips to the younger boy’s. His lips were soft, with the hard metal of the lip ring pressing into his own lip. He brought his hand up around Frank’s neck as Frank’s slid to his hips. Gerard pulled away, but kept their foreheads touching.

“I like you, Frankie.” Gerard said in an almost whisper.

“I like you too, Gee” Frank said smiling “I really fucking like you too.”


	8. Clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> really short chapter where everything seems to be going right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I was gone for a while. personal.shit. anyways I saw frank and his feet are small af. ((still never gonna stop my song title titles))

Gerard looked into Frank's eyes, nothing else on his mind. He felt like he could see the younger boy's soul just through his eyes.

"Gee," Frank said, snapping Gerard from the trance "who did you see me kissing? I didn't, just so you know."

"I... I saw you in the locker room with Katie Banks" Gerard said sheepishly

"Katie?" Frank asked incredulously "I am _gay_  I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole."

"But you were like 'oh you've got something in your eye' and then-" Gerard looked down

"Gerard" Frank said laughing. "she _did have_  something in her eye." Gerard looked down again, cheeks burning. He jumped to conclusions again. "hey," Frank said lifting Gerard's chin up so to meet his eyes, his face earnest "i think it's cute" Frank's mouth stretches into a smirk. Gerard covers his face with his hands. Frank pried Gerard's hands off of his face, and kissed his nose. Gerard's eyes flew open as he jumped.

"is this okay?" Frank asked, intertwining his hands with Gerard's.

"yeah," Gerard said. "more than okay."

When they walked back into the basement fingers laced, Mikey shot Gerard a look.

"shut your eyebrows up" Gerard said smiling and rolling his eyes. This is _way_  more than okay.


	9. pinkish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the title is a Gerard Way song. (look it up it's great) I think I have the rest of the story planned out so it hopefully won't take that much longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In other news, I have gotten to see both Gerard and Frank in concert and I die. Also sorry for the late posting Junior year is stressful

"I think that you should tell your parents" Frank said as he and Gerard were curled up on the couch in Gerard's basement. "hmm I don't know. Me liking boys that's. ne

ver been... we've never even talked about that. And they're catholic."

"Gee. It will be okay. I promise." Gerard became absorbed with kissing Frank's hand whilst Frank watched a shitty zombie movie. Gerard heard the frond door open and close and two pairs of footsteps come in. He assumed it was Mikey and Ray because his parents were at a luncheon for their work or something. The basement light came on and the footsteps came down the stairs, but what Gerard saw wasn't Mikey and Ray, it was his mom and dad. Gerard took a second to asses his position. Frank was on his lap with his head tucked onto his shoulder and Gerard's lips were still on Frank's hand. Gerard's stereotypically jersey parents' eyes were bugging out of their heads. Gerard flicked his eyes back to the TV and pretended he didn't see anything, just waiting for the explosion this all would cause.

"Gerard, honey" Gerard's mom said causing Frank to look up for the first time, " May I speak to you upstairs." Frank nudged Gerard's shoulder and gave him an encouraging smile. Gerard maneuvered Frank off of his lap, stood up, and followed his parents up the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Gerard who was that?" Gerard's mom asked, his dad looking uninterested.

"Who?" Gerard said looking down at the tile.

"that boy in our basement that looks like he came out of a blink 182 video?" his mom asked, he cursed Mikey for telling her about them. Gerard sighed because he knew what she was really asking. His heart was racing. He knew he would have to come out some time, he just didn't think it would be so soon. He took a steadying breath and blurted.

"I'm gay and Frank's my boyfriend." his face was flushed and he heard his heart pounding in his ears whilst he was imagining about a thousand different scenarios in his head, about three containing an apocalypse, and one containing Billy Corgan knocking down his door.

"Ok. Why didn't you tell us about him earlier? We just want what's best for you."

"We love you" his dad added. Gerard let out a sigh of relief as he hugged his mom

"Come on." he said, tugging his mom downstairs, his dad following in suit "Mom, dad, this is Frank, Frank this is my mom and dad."

"Hi Mr. and Mrs. Way." Frank shook Gerard's dads hand and Gerard's mom gave Frank a hug.

"Well, hi." Gerard's mom said to Frank

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" "Actually I was wondering if Gerard could come to my house for dinner if you didn't mind."Frank looked down sheepishly "I want my mom to meet him" Gerard kind of wanted his mom to say no. meeting his mom, that was a big step, and what if Frank's mom thought he was a creep. He's 18 and Frank's 16 for gods sake.

"Of course, sweetie." Gerard suppressed a sigh. It was now or never.

"can you give us a ride?"


End file.
